Using Empathy to Diffuse Hostility

How To Deal With Public Humiliation

Consider this story, two women walk into McDonalds and order their food. When it comes time to pay, one of the women produces a fifty dollar bill and from this point it all goes downhill. Why? Because the cashier either questions the authenticity of the bill, or attempts to go through a procedure to verify that the bill is authentic. An argument begins and the cashier is slapped in his face by one of the women, who then pounces on the counter, as the cashier retreats. The other woman walks around the counter, perhaps to assist her friend in teaching the cashier a lesson or two. But the story takes a twist, the cashier returns with a long metal object, by this time both women are fully behind the counter and he proceeds to beat them with the metal object in a fit of rage. There is a video clip attached to the story, apparently shot from some one's cell phone. In the clip you can see the cashier with all his might flog the women behind the counter, both women now appear to be on the ground. That neither of them gets up is disturbing.

This is a story about humiliation, and how not to react when you feel you have been humiliated. While it is easy for some people to decide that the cashier had gone too far, (he did) it is easy for us to forget one important question. What would we do, if we were slapped in a public square?

This is what school age kids who go through bullying encounter. They get insulted, they retaliate, and they become over powered either verbally or physically. In most cases I encounter, both kids are bullies, with one being more forceful and meaner than the other. As is human nature, most of us would naturally take the side of the person in the conflict who just got defeated and humiliated in the process, regardless of who started it.

So how does a person respond to humiliation? First it is important to understand just what humiliation is when it comes to conflicts with others. During conflicts with others, humiliation is something we feel when a person or persons intentionally deviate from accepted social norms to offend us. From spoken slurs to physical attacks when we come to expect that others should subscribe to certain standards for treating us with dignity and respect, we set ourselves up for an episode with humiliation. This is especially true when beliefs on how others should treat us are tied to our identities.

In my soon to be released book on anger management, I discuss how to use verbal judo to keep a verbal altercation from escalating and resolved. The process involves three stages, empathizing, disarming and reaching a resolution. This is modified from Dr. Jon Hooper's verbal judo three step processes on how presenters should deal with hecklers combined with what I learned from Izzy Kalman during an anger management workshop he gave here in Tucson Az. I will now give an excerpt on how I would have responded if I had been in the cashier's position. Please keep in mind that I do not know for sure what words were exchanged between the cashier and the women.

Cashier: Please excuse me ma ma'am, I need to check if this bill is real.
Woman 1: What the bleep! Are you calling me a thief?
Cashier: I am sorry ma'am, it's company policy that we verify fifty dollar bills and up. Please forgive me if I have offended you.
Woman 2: Bleep! Bleep! Bleep!
Woman 1: This is some bleep! Bleep! Bleep!
Cashier: Ma'am I apologize for the inconvenience, please forgive me if I have offended you. Please understand that if you continue to use profanities, I will have to ask you to leave. If you refuse to leave, I will have to call the police. If you like I can go get my manager.
At this point, the leader of the two women will either concede to have the bill verified or demand to speak to the manager. In either case, it would be less of a likelihood that either woman will resort to a physical altercation.

So what do you do if you have being slapped or even hit in a public square? You step back and assertively demand that your assailant cease from assaulting you. If your assailant is much bigger and stronger than you are, you should call for help, while reiterating that he or she cease from hurting you. Of cause this is easier said than done, and yes it can get more complicated. However, the key is to always regard others with dignity and respect regardless of what they have said or done. At the end of the day the best method is preventative, which begins with communication.

These are some of the techniques I teach both children and adolescents with poor anger management and survivors of bullying at school.

So what are your thoughts? Do you feel you have a better argument? If so please leave your appropriate comments in the comment section.

Ugo is a psychotherapist and owner of Road 2 Resolutions, a professional counseling and lifecoaching practice.